With the NFL season rapidly approaching, we here at GGR decided to pull out our old, cracked crystal ball in an effort to look into the not too distant future of all 32 pro teams. In this tag team article you will see Pete Rogers and GC Rodriguez’s divinations of what the mystic artifact has to say about the unseen destinies of hundreds of humongous men…oh God I sure hope the outcomes are positive!

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

Seeing Buffalo as a downgrade in status from the bright lights of New York City, Rex Ryan drunkenly stays up one night and watches the classic movie Old School. Knowing he has Richie Incognito and Percy Harvin on the team, the hammered Ryan starts an old man NFL frat with them, which focuses on being as bro-tastic on the field as possible by only running plays seen in the movie Varsity Blues. Matt Cassel attempts to rush the frat, but is denied.

Awww...is Matty Cassel gunna cry?! You gunna cry little cry baby?!? Come on guys lets go get some Natty Ice and Skoal.

Miami Dolphins

Newly acquired player Ndamukong Suh discovers that his name in the Ngemba language means “House of Spears” and decides to take the phrase literally. In the first game of the regular season, he turns himself into a human spear by attaching a device to his helmet, plastering Redskins running back Alfred Morris, breaking his spine. Suh is arrested, however since it was on the field and not a personal conduct issue the Dolphins are required to pay his contract in full. Suh purchases the prison and turns it into a personal playground.

Who should be warden? Hmmmm...Warden House of Spears has a nice ring to it!

New England Patriots

Tom Brady wins his appeal and is not given a suspension. As such, the Patriots decide to continue to push the envelope on what is considered “within the rules”. Such tactics having all Patriots players wearing noise-cancelling ear plugs so they can claim they “never heard the whistle”, wearing “alternate uniforms” made of a 100% reflective material so that looking directly at them burns your eyes and implanting small electrodes in the opposite teams bench so they can never sit down and rest during the game. When asked about these tactics, Bill Belichek comments, “We are on to next week. Everyone is on the injury report.” The Pats finish the year 14-2.

Our players have injuries that mammals could possibly have. Some of their cells are damaged and...uh...(snickers)...they are all probable.

New York Jets

17 different players are arrested for a bevy of different, utterly incomprehensible crimes. The highlights include QB Ryan Fitzpatrick taken in by the Feds for running a $6.8 billion dollar Ponzi scheme with his college friends, Antonio Cromartie being found to have connections to a Columbian drug cartel, and Kicker Nick Folk for pushing a 6 year old boy over at a Chuck E. Cheese and stealing his inflatable bat before throwing up in the ball pit because he ate too much cotton candy. Being light on players, the Jets go 1-15 and decide to draft Sam Ukwuachu from Baylor, once he serves his 6 month jail sentence of course.

Some of the kickers REALLY took it hard that the PAT was being moved back.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens

In an ill-advised marketing strategy, the Ravens decide to give actual Ravens away to the first 10,000 fans to come to Baltimore’s first home game. Before the fans even begin to show up, the birds escape their cages and brutally attack the Ravens players, staff, coaches and management. With no one to play on the team and no one to manage it, the Ravens are forced to forfeit the season and considered to have the statistically worst season ever by a professional team as every player’s stats were 0.

OH GOD...they...they were everywhere! That Poe guy completely undersold those damn things!

Cincinnati Bengals

Andy Dalton comes alive and lights up league, drawing comparisons to Carson Palmer in his prime days with the Bengals. Going 12-4 and making a playoff bid, their chances are looking good until defensive end Cameron Heyward is blocked into both of Dalton’s knees, tearing both ACLs. Sitting in the locker room, the phone rings and Carson Palmer relays the number of his therapists, both physical and emotional.

Oh this? No this wasn't the injury. This is what it looks like when a man is broken by the realization he plays for the Bengals.

Cleveland Browns

After seeing Johnny Manziel clean up his image, coach Mike Petine decides to give the young quarterback a second chance. After a steady start at 4-3, Josh McCown can’t take it anymore and starts to act out. McCown begins to give the finger to opposing players, comes to practice extremely late with bloodshot eyes, and begins to use the “make it rain money” hand motion all the time. Fans, seeing a new youth like exuberance in McCown demand that he starts despite objectively being terrible on the field.

Brah! This is like my, 11th frozen blackberry margarita. I can't even kinda feel my face dude.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Recently acquired Running Back, Deangelo Williams is loving his new team and is having a career renaissance. To celebrate his new found joy in Pittsburgh, he goes out to dinner in the city. When he realizes that he doesn't have any money, he politely asks a native where he can find an ATM machine. The native doesn't know what he is talking about, so Williams describes it and the Pittsburgh-ian says "OH, yinz mean a MAC machine!" Williams is confused even further when the man tells him there are MAC machines all over Dahn Tahn.

"WHAT THE HELL IS DAHN TAHN?!?!? And who is YINZ? Still...this place is way better than Charlotte."

AFC South

Houston Texans

With no other options at quarterback, the Texans elect to use J.J. Watt as their play caller. Now being asked to throw, catch and run on offense, as well as continue his role on the defensive side, Watt dies from over-exertion in their week 6 match up in Jacksonville. Jacksonville still manages to lose the game.

Watt: Coach...I gotta come out...I'm exhausted and bloodied!Coach: J.J. Do you really expect me to put in Mallet to throw or Alfred Blue to run?! Watt: ...I'll get back out there. — Watt: Coach...I gotta come out...I'm exhausted and bloodied!
Coach: J.J. Do you really expect me to put in Mallet to throw or Alfred Blue to run?!
Watt: ...I'll get back out there.

Indianapolis Colts

To no one’s surprise, Andrew Luck smokes the competition throughout the entire season. As such, the neck beard becomes a fashion monsoon throughout the city, carrying with it a pandemic level outbreak of beard lice. The Colts are forced to play their last four home games to an entirely empty Lucas Oil Stadium due to quarantines levied by the state.

You mean to tell me. That I have thousands of tiny bugs. in my beard. Right. Now?! AAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!

Jacksonville Jaguars

Drawing comparisons to a young Big Ben, Blake Bortles decides to act like a young Big Ben and drunkenly make some moves on a diner waitress. However much like his inability to mimic Roethlisberger’s performance on the field, Bortles can’t even harass servers correctly. He chooses a Waffle House at 3 AM and ends up being harassed by a methed up 47 year old, contracts hepatitis and is benched for the rest of the season.

Excuse me ma'am, but would you mind "backin dat thing up?" I really like the way you light the new cigarette with the end of the old one.

Tennessee Titans

They are just bad. Nothing funny or interesting happens to them.

Ugh. You are gross.  This whole team stinks. What am I doing with my life? I wanted to be an accountant! — Ugh. You are gross. This whole team stinks. What am I doing with my life? I wanted to be an accountant!

AFC West

Denver Broncos

In the first play of the first game, Peyton Manning takes a shot to the elbow and has his throwing arm broken. Without any other options available, John Elway comes out of retirement to lead the Broncos. With nothing but grit and determination, he leads the Broncos to their worst season ever at a record 1-15.

Yes Mom we lost again. No, I was playing. QUARTERBACK! You know what, I'm glad I put you in that home.

Kansas City Chiefs

So turns out a bunch of interesting things may have happened to the Chiefs, but everyone forgot they were a team and forgot to write them down or pay attention to them at all. I am so sorry.

Oakland Raiders

Amid rumors that the team would be relocated to Los Angeles, the Raiders make the most Raider-y move of all time in the usual fashion of disappointing everyone who has ever and will ever root for them and decide to relocate to Helena, Montana. This fulfills the final step of an ancient ritual that resurrects the vengeful spirit of Al Davis, who takes it upon himself to return the Raiders to the former glory. Most analysts still believe the Raiders are at least 3 seasons away from being in contention despite assistance from the netherworld.

I'd make a joke, but I'm kind of afraid of what would happen if I did.

San Diego Chargers

Trying to keep the Chargers from moving away from San Diego, Philip Rivers decides to go on a hunger strike. He badly misinterprets what a hunger strike is and thinks it means he is going on strike from ever being hungry, which leads to his weight ballooning up over 350 pounds. The Chargers are forced to move him to nose tackle and Rivers takes to it instantly. Rivers becomes the first player to ever make the Pro Bowl on both offense and defense.